downer

today, i am down. i've been teetering up lately... new break-up, new life changes, new trips, new friends- things have been roller coasting in my head since the new year. i think i've done good. but today...i don't know. it's grey outside. cold & rainy. shitty time at the post office. i've seen some things i didn't want to see, i've heard some things i didn't want to hear. i've been thinking waaay too much because i am in my head alot. every day. all the time. i feel like every bad and stupid thing i've done is creeping up on me..."..if i'da done this, would things be different?....if i'da said this, would that have made things better?"...i think about all the new differences...
i miss cooking with someone.
i miss lazy sundays with a partner in crime.
i miss getting to see my other dog all the time.
i miss the companionship more than the companion. i think.
i hate talking on the phone but my my quiet house has driven me to make calls. now i'm a phone talker.
my house is quiet all the time. there is no laughing...god, i miss laughing. there's noone there to say something funny, or call me 'cutie'. sometimes i just need to talk...to a human. george acts like he understands, but he can't talk back. he just gives me love. head on the knee...looking at me with those deep, understanding eyes. paw on the knee..now he wants some love. he asks so little.
george misses neko. they're partners in crime. they cuddle. they talk. they wrastle. they still get to do that from time to time...my small moments of companionship have been taken and stowed.
..................................
ahhhhh...and here come the cramps. it's all starting to make sense where this is all coming from. of the many gods, whichever one created premenstrualsyndrome-aholic-athon-ville, thank you for making it question your confidence and all around make you feel like absolute and complete shit.
to quote the emotional mullet, does this martini make me look fat???
time to deal.